My Normal Life23:20
I was blogging about my trip to JEM @ Jurong East (again) and i suddenly have this strong emotion to post about my thoughts.
There are so many things running through my mind now. My friends around me seemed to have a goal that they had already set for their future. What about me? What do I want to do? I don't know..
People are right about we are a day wiser than the yesterday "us". We are growing up day by day and naturally our thinking would be different too. All my friends around me are so different from me. A lot of them do pretty well in school, never worry about their grades. For me? I am never good in studying, maybe because I am not hard working enough. Some of you might say, anyone can do well in school as long as they put in effort in studying and pay attention in class.
What if i tell you, I just can't? No matter how hard i try or want to focus in just the 3 hr lecture, I just can't seem to do that. I am feeling that i am wasting my parents money away.. I ever thought of giving up studying, but what would my parents feel? I ever told them i want to stop at Diploma. They didn't allow.
"Study while I can still afford you." This is what my dad always says to me. I know, I know he wants me to study as high as I can and get the certificate so that I can find a good job out there when he is no longer by my side. I know he wants me to face the reality that he would not be by my side forever and that one day he would leave me.
I really don't want their money to go down the drain too. I truly wish that I can be as smart as my friends, I really envy a lot when i see how much their parents are proud of their smart child. I am not. And my parents would never be able to boast in front of their friends about how smart this daughter is, cause i am not.
I really did not want to continue taking my degree. Some of you might say I am not grateful enough. There are so many people out there wants to take their degrees but were not able to. Then what do you want me to do? I can't change the fact that i am really not a study type.
Ask me to do other things, ask me to learn this language and that language, ask me to learn new skills, I will learn it in the shortest time possible and I would be very enthusiastic about it, just not studies. To me, business is plain boring. Then why do i take business studies? Can i tell you the honest answer?
I chose SIM was because their diploma was only 15 months and if I were to continue degree (which i did and still taking it now), i would have the 1st year exemption. That is the only reason. Yes, I am taking short cut, I just want to finish this all so badly. Wasting money, effort and time, I know all of you would say that.
I wouldnt call it wasting. No matter how bad i am in studying, I believe i learn a lot during all these years. Be it study, life lessons or other things, I really learnt a lot and grow a lot too. I am not heart pain about the time and effort that I had put in. I am heartache about the money that my parents had put in and their expectations.
What else can I do other than studying? Start up my own business without any experiences? I thought of that 6 months ago, and naively thought that it was that simple. Now that i look back, I was thinking what a joke.
1. I don't have the capital
2. My dad has it, but do you think he can trust the youngest child in the family with that amount of money?
3. Everyone would find that i am too young and start to bring me down when i have not even started.
Sometimes when i was super down, I really thought to myself, what is my purpose here in this world? Am i going to just be a normal someone and lead the normal life and die when the time comes? I don't want to, I really don't want to. I want to make my life meaningful. I want people to remember me as someone, not no one.
I am living alone, fighting the loneliness away is really hard. It is not easy, but i gotta deal with it no matter what. So the key is to ignore it by doing my own things, entertain myself by watching shows and stuffs. I do have friends, but I understand that each of us has our own things to be busy about.
I don't have many friends, i have a handful and i think it is more than enough. I know that no mater what happen, they would stand by my side, rooting for me. When my school first started, i don't have any friends. All my prev classmates were in a different course from mine. For the first 1 month, I live my life like this everyday:
Wake up. Prepare to school. School (listen to the lecturer, not talking to anyone, well actually is no one to talk to). home. sleep.
I didn't talk to ANYONE at all other than Ronan (thru Skype or Viber). I wanted to go out too. I want to call my friends and chat with them too. But the problem is, what am i going to chat about? I am someone who only talk when i have something to talk. I really can't be like others who can chat anything on whatsapp with their friends. I want to be! But i just can't..
I am worried that i might be settling too well in this lonely lifestyle. I am worried that i would be too used being alone that i forgot how to communicate with other people. I am worried that i would turn out to be one anti social freak.
I might appear cheerful when I am outside with my friends, but when I come home, it would be a nightmare. I had been the centre of attention in the family as i am the youngest. I bring laughter to them, I love big family thus I am the one who always plan family outing for my family. That was when i was still in Indonesia. Now? I can't do any of those. I am here alone in another country without my family. I miss them.
I know it is near for me to go back, but everything is so different. When i go back it would only for a few days. Maybe 2-3. I can't do much things. My dad might not be available during those days, or my brother would not be available, etc etc etc.
I miss the time I had when I was still there. It was way so simple and comfortable. I know we all have our time to leave our comfort zone. I don't mind leaving as long as I know clearly what i am searching for, and what i am aftering.
Someone enlighten me..