The Not So Fine Day17:33
This post is my feeling back on 30th October..
There is this thing that's been bothering me today..
Not quite sure how to put it.. But Ronan and I have been quarreling a lot recently, u know those ups and downs moments. It appeared that ours got worst and we were almost into breaking up.
Reasons are simple. It's not easy for us to meet as much as we want. Both of our family wont be happy when we keep seeing each other every few months. In fact, they are not quite happy about our rs. To them, it's a waste of time and money. It's impossible. It's just out of the question. Where are u gg to stay when you get married later? Coming from an environment with different language and culture. Settling down in either one country is not fair for the other party.
So my sis is currently attached to a Malaysian. Another LDR in our family. Not quite sure if it's sth good or bad. I mean, I am happy that she has finally found her other half, and I really hope that it would be the last one for her. But then, there comes the time when I started envy her.
Our whole family is happy for her, no doubt. When the guy came to visit my parents, it was my dad birthday. His name is Max. So Max is a chinese (Ronan is a chinese too, but he is only able to speak in mandarin, not dialect) and he is able to speak very fluently in mandarin and the dialect we use daily at home. No language barrier here.
They talked a lot, chit chat for hours. When Ronan visited my parents, the only thing they talked about is "eat this, eat that. Have u eaten?" It is very obvious that these are out of courtesy. So, I will just take it that this is just because of language barrier. My father is not very fluent in madarin, and Ronan knows nothing about our dialect.
Next, my mom started nagging me when I told her that I am gg to visit Ronan this coming 15th Nov. All kinds of excuses come out. "You keep saying u have no money, now u have money to buy tickets?" I explained to her that it was on promotion. I didnt tell her the fact that I keep saying I had no money is because I kept all the money for this trip.
Then she started saying, why do I have to go again, didnt I just go over on may? Since I went there before, why do I have to go again? My sister was there so I jokingly pulled her in to this matter "you never go Malaysia before? Why do u have to go Malaysia again? How many times have u went there since you were young?" She just smiled and kept quiet, so did my mom.
I know it's all about the age. My sister is now at the age for marriage, in fact, she is considered later if you compare her with her other peers. So naturally, they are more okay with the fact that she is together with someone not from our hometown. My dad did say something to me about we marrying so far away and not sure how to meet later. But he seems to be fine now with my sister.
Tell me how to control not thinking that this is some biasness? I swear to God I am more than just happy that she had finally found hers, and the fact that she is in LDR means that she understands how I feel. But, do my parents have to make it so obvious? Today, my sis told me sth. We were talking about where we are gona live later on. Then she mentioned this. "Mommy say she is not worried about you. She said you are still young. You know what she mean right?" Of course I do. I underatand what she meant very well. She meant that it's still puppy love, nothing to be serious or worry about.
That sentence just made me real disappointed in a way. How can she has that kind of thinking? Ronan and I, who is "in" this thing together, had come across all kinds of difficulties but we decided to stay on. We are the one who suffers more than any one of you who is looking at us. We are experiencing it ourselves. We made all kinds of extra efforts to stay together, if we weren't serious, we wouldn't even bother.
This just made our quarrel worst. I really want to give up. With all the quarrels plus both sides of our parents didn't give any approval, why carry on? It's hard enough that you are in long distance, now, the family members who are supposed to be supportive and cheered you on, decided to be the same like others, demoralising you.
I know it's all for my own good. They don't want to see me suffer.. but I am just so contradicting.. One moment I understand everything, another moment I just don't want to be that understanding daughter and girlfriend.. I just want to do it my way..
Today's post, after almost two weeks emo-ing..It wasn't for long after Ronan and I had the "always quarrel times". We started to talk things out, telling each other how exactly we are feeling and why we are acting that way.. We started to find solution and a way out.
This is why I want to maintain this relationship.. Whenever we have problem, we fix it, not throw it away. We can sit down and have a heart to heart talk, at the end of everything, we are back to normal. The recent quarrel was really a big downturn for us. There is this sentence that is very true. Problems can either break you or make it stronger. It made us stronger.
Things got much better between us for the past one week. Other than the fact that we had talked things out, it's also because we are finally meeting again.. We are going up again, which is a relieve. Ups and downs are inevitable, isn't it?
Now, the relationship aside. Now it's mostly about me and myself.
Exams are over, another sem is gone. Waiting for the results to be released, I am not even sure if I am gona fail any of the modules... Sigh...
I am not good at studying, actually I know I can do it if I put in effort (well, that's what everybody says, isn't it?). Having a traditional mindset, my dad always remind me to do better in school. He kept saying this to me "You must do well in school, if you cannot make it, I will be very shameful". I always kept quiet when he said that. Am I not ashame if I can't make it?
Moreover, so what if I am not good at studying? Does that reflect my future? No! I may not score well in school, but that doesn't mean I can't be earning much in the future. I am not going to take salary, I am going to GIVE OUT SALARY to my staffs. Yes, I want to do something that I love, leading my own team to fulfil our dreams together.
Naive, I know. Where do I get all the money? That's the problem. I always see other kids future already being path out by their parents. They know very sure what they are going to do in future, working as this and that. Some of them already have their parents company all ready for them to just go in and work. What about me? I am not sure what I am going to do in the future.. I know nuts..
I know I have been looking up, that's why I keep counting what I don't have in life. I know there are far more people who are less fortunate than me, and I should count my blessing instead. This is life isn't it? As much as you want to count your blessings, the environment forces you to look at the things that you don't have and you SHOULD have it!
Let's just let nature takes its course.. I hope when the time is near, everything would be clearer..